


Heaven Is A Pair Of Red Satin Knickers

by Laure Alexander (ladyoneill)



Series: The Alpha Series [47]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-02
Updated: 2013-11-02
Packaged: 2017-12-31 07:03:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1028698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyoneill/pseuds/Laure%20Alexander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cordy goes to the mansion to get a book from Spike and wackiness ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven Is A Pair Of Red Satin Knickers

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published on September 12, 1999, as a response to Dare's challenge on her Lovesbitch list. Ah, the good old days of Buffy/Spike and Goats. So, she wanted fic with 'leaping over the couch, panties, and goats.' I'm guessing the goats were an in-joke (we were on a small private list together and goats were a thing long before Livejournal began with its own goat).

Cordelia stood in the underwear aisle of Wal-Mart, arms crossed over her heaving breasts, one foot tapping a staccato rhythm. Her lips pursed and she shook her head at the pair of lacy blue panties the exasperated vampire waved in front of her face.

"Baby blue? Puleaze, I don't think so."

Spike growled low in his throat and shoved the blue pair back onto the rack, then grabbed a pair in red and white checks.

"Do I LOOK like a picnic table?"

"Luv, pick a bloody pair. I don't feel like spending my entire night in Wal bloody Mart."

"Do you have to keep ranting about blood? If you hadn't dragged me along on your 'hunt', this never would have happened..."

At her exaggeration of the facts, Spike's growled loudly. Shutting up, Cordelia glowered at him. "How about hot pink?" he asked through gritted teeth. She just gave him an arched- brow look and Spike flung the offending pair of panties onto the floor and stomped down the aisle. "How the fuck did I get to this point? The night started normally..."

~~~~~

Yawning after a good day's sleep, and scratching negligently at his naked chest, Spike walked into the living room and came to a halt. The brunette--the poof's 'secretary'--sat on his couch flipping through one of Drusilla's girly magazines.

"Finally," she complained, not looking up. "Do you always sleep this late?"

"What the fuck are you doing in my house?"

"Technically it's Angel's house and he sent me here to pick up some Grimoire of..." Setting aside the magazine, she pulled a piece of paper out of her purse and stumbled over the name. "...Whosiewasit."

"Huh?"

"Well, that's what it looks like."

Rolling his eyes, Spike stomped over to her and grabbed the piece of paper. "Huziwasita...Any clue where peaches might have left it?"

"The mansion."

Spike sighed and pointed to the library. "Probably in there. Go look. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way back to L.A." He turned to leave the room and Cordelia jumped to her feet.

"I looked in the library. I'm not a moron, you know." She ignored his pointed look.

"Then why didn't you look anywhere else?"

"And risk running into you or your looney girl-friend, or, worse, walk in on you doing something disgusting?" she answered, making a face.

"I'm going hunting. I'll look for the stupid book when I get back."

Cordelia followed him out of the room. "Oh no you don't. You're not leaving me alone here with the nut."

Spike growled over his shoulder as he stalked down the hall and through the kitchen. "And you think you're safe with me, little girl?"

"Do you really want to have Angel come here and stake your undead ass if you lay a finger on me?" she retorted, following him out the back door. "Euuu, what's that smell?"

Spike sniffed, then shrugged. "Damn Slayer won't let me kill humans and sometimes bagged blood just doesn't cut it." He rounded a corner of the large house and stopped in front of a pen. Inside were half a dozen goats, all chewing stupidly on whatever they could get a hold of, which, in the case of one of the animals appeared to be a plastic doll. "Dru got bored with her barbies," he said with a shrug, then opened the gate and stepped inside, Cordelia still following him."

"You eat goats?" Cordelia sounded scandalized, but he ignored her, and reached for one of the animals. "Euuuuu..." She turned her back, not wanting to see him feed, then felt something butt against her butt. "Hey!" Another shove and she stumbled forward, skidded on something better not thought about, and tumbled onto her hands and knees. "OW!"

Scrambling to her feet, Cordelia spun around and stared at a goat who stood there calmly chewing on a large chunk of her red satin panties. Turning scarlet, and rubbing her sore bottom, she advanced on the goat who scampered off. "That damn goat ate my panties!"

Dropping the still live goat he'd been feeding on, Spike turned and grinned at her, taking in her livid face and furious eyes. "Oh, that's Heaven, she has a thing for the color red."

Cordelia glanced down at her red dress, then back up to his smirking face. "And you didn't bother to warn me?"

"Who told you to follow me in here? Um, you have a bit of shit on your knee, luv."

Screeching, Cordelia ran back to the house and the nearest bathroom.

*****

After scrubbing all exposed skin nearly raw, Cordelia returned to the living room to find Spike sitting on the couch, fully dressed, holding a moldy old book and listening to some hideous heavy metal music, his head nodding along to the beat.

"If I get rabies from your damn goat, I'm going to sue your ass off."

"My goats are probably healthier than you. Satan knows what kind of diseases the poof might have given you."

"Will you stop insinuating that there's something going on between me and Angel? Puleaze!"

"Uh huh," Spike answered, running his eyes up and down her curvy body, concentrating on her long, naked legs. "I know if I didn't love my Dru, I'd be pounding you into the floor right now."

Cordelia flushed and turned her attention to the stereo that took up half the outside wall. Walking over to it, she picked up the jewel case that sat on top of the nearest speaker and looked at it in disbelief. "'Monster Ballads'? You actually watch infomercials, and even worse, buy things from infomercials?"

Spike scowled and used the remote to turn off the cd. "It's good music."

Snorting, but having regained her composure, she set the case back down, then turned to face him. "You owe me a new pair of underwear."

He gaped at her, then reached into his pocket for his wallet.

"Oh no. You're going to go and buy me a pair. Now."

"The mall closed five minutes ago. Where the fuck am I supposed to find knickers at this time of night?"

"I don't know. I don't care. I want underwear. Expensive underwear."

"How about I just give you some of Dru's."

Her look of horror nearly made him cringe. "Do I look like the kind of girl who would wear USED underwear?"

"Okay, okay." He thought furiously, then, with a sinking feeling, realized one place that was open. "Um...Wallyworld is open." Her look of disgusted fury roused his own irritation. "It's the only store open after nine o'clock in this shithole of a town!"

Cordelia sighed and threw her hands up. "Fine, but then you're taking me to the Bronze and buying me the most expensive cup of coffee they make, AND you're going to sit there and listen to me complain about your sire for at least an hour."

Spike groaned, but nodded in agreement, nearly flinging at her the book she had come to collect, which had been propping up a lopsided table in his study.

~~~~~

The night had started out so well. For once Drusilla hadn't whined about having to eat bagged blood or goats, and had declared she would spend the night in bed, reading her romance novels and eating bon bons. He had so looked forward to a quiet night of heavy metal music and the latest biker magazines--interspersed liberally with such wonders as 'Titties' and 'Buns, Buns, Buns'.

No, he was in the flourescent glare of a discount store, waiting for a spoiled brat of a girl to decide which pair of knickers might be good enough. As she pawed through the racks, he ran his eyes over her skimpy tank dress and wondered why the Hell she needed knickers since she was already half-naked anyway.

Cordelia held up a skimpy black thong and nodded slowly. "This will do. It's the most expensive and a name brand. I will, of course, only wear it this once, as it has nylon in it and I usually only wear silk and satin and lycra. Tomorrow you can go to the mall, to Victoria's Secret, and buy me a pair of red satin panties just like the ones your stupid goat ate. They cost $24.99."

"What? My whole fucking outfit didn't cost that much!"

She scowled at him and ran her eyes up and down his body. "Well, clothes were cheaper twenty years ago."

Growling again, Spike grabbed the thong from her fingers, looked at the tag, groaned at the $9.99 price for a bit of nothing, and stalked towards the check-out lanes.

*****

Thirty minutes later, Cordelia emerged from the bathroom at the Bronze, frowning as the cheap thong rode up a bit. Spike sat at a table, scowling deeply, tapping his fingers on the scarred wooden surface. Sitting down, she looked at the coffee before her. "Most expensive?"

"I remember when you could get a friggin' cup of coffee for a quarter."

"Are you going to brood? Because I have to deal with that every night and it's very unattractive."

He scowled deeper, baring his teeth.

"Uh huh, very threatening." She took a sip of her coffee, lapping delicately at the foam around the edge.

Spike's scowl turned to a look of surprise. "You really aren't afraid of me, are you."

"Why should I be? Oh, right...Well, yes you did try to kill me once a couple years ago, but you didn't know me, so I didn't take it personally. Anyway, you're helping Buffy and she trusts you, sort of. Plus, there's that whole 'Angel will rip you a new one' if you even make a move towards me..." She grinned wickedly.

Eyes narrowing, he gave her assessing look. "He does seem very protective of you...even more so than say Red."

She tapped her fingernail on the side of her mug and smiled slightly. "Look, I'll be the first to admit that if Angel ever pointed to a bed, I'd be on my back in a split second--he is one luscious hunk of a...well, whatever he is--but all he does is mope over Buffy, which isn't exactly a turn on."

"Yeah, he's a big moper. Gets real old, doesn't it. The Slayer does the same thing, though not as bad, since it's not in her nature to be a brooder twenty four hours a day."

"Then you're lucky. Some nights Angel's lucky to make it to dawn without me staking him with a pencil."

Spike chuckled, his mood visibly lightening at the image. "Red uses pencils to kill vamps, you know. Levitates 'em."

"Somehow I don't see Willow as a 'Red'."

"Ah...maybe you haven't seen the fire in her. The Wolf's a lucky guy."

"Do you have nicknames for all of them?"

"Well, there's the Slayer, of course. Wouldn't do for me to call her by her name, plus her name is stupid." Cordelia laughed and Spike continued. "Red, the Wolf, they fit. Harris has lots of nicknames, depending on my mood, and if he's calling me Deadboy Jr. a lot. Stupid Bastard is my favorite at the moment." She giggled. "Giles is Giles. Harris annoys him with stupid nicknames and...well, he deserves respect, so I use his name."

"Yeah, he does."

Spike grinned wolfishly. "Though Ripper suits him at times."

As they both gave each other honest smiles, there was a commotion near the entrance to the club, and suddenly a large, scaly demon burst through the crowd. Wielding a sword above her head, Buffy followed, spied Spike, and grabbed him out of the chair.

"Time to go work," he apologized to Cordelia.

"Have fun," she called as he followed Buffy, vaulting gracefully over a sofa, duster flying, and dashing through a back door. "Ummm, that man certainly has a nice butt." Grinning, Cordelia sipped her coffee and wriggled in her new panties.

End


End file.
